Aries (March 21-April 19)
Don't read your horoscope today. Really, you're better off.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You were abducted by aliens last night. And they wiped your memory clean. Which might be a good thing. But they'll be back tonight, so get the camera ready!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
I could tell you how to win the lottery today - but you shoved me on the stairs in the library, so you can just stay poor.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Thinking of twelve horoscopes is really a pain in the ass every week - you should become the new horoscope writer!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
When your attention starts to wander in class, just think - this will all be over too soon, so enjoy your time here. Because when graduation comes, you'll have no friends and all that monstrous debt to pay off.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
We all have a bet going as to whether or not you'll fail out this semester. It's not looking good for you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Maybe you should have spent the weekend doing your reading instead of hanging out with all the illiterate Tea Party Protesters on the Mall. FYI: socialism is not spelled with a "z."

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You're never going to lose those 5/10/15+ pounds. You might as well just give up now and gorge yourself on Tonic tater tots.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Please don't talk in class - you sound like your mother dropped you on your head as a baby. Multiple times. Intentionally.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
There's someone in the hard lounge who smells like tuna fish. It might be you. Please check and get back to me.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Reach for the moon. If you miss, at least you'll land among the stars. And then your eyes will bug out and your head will implode from lack of oxygen and, well, ew.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Das ist Ihr Horoskop auf Deutsch. Fantastisch!