Aries (March 21-April 19)
Have you heard? About the bird? The bird is the WORD!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You need a change in your life. Start with your underwear.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You've missed your true calling in life - yak trainer. It's not too late to get started!

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You should give your car a name so that people will be more impressed with your ride. I think "Starship Federation of Boogeytown" sounds great.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
FYI: the D.C. Real World-ers are on the prowl - you can get a hook-up AND be a on TV!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply put, you're a Type A weirdo.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Today's your lucky day - we heard there's an opening in the SBA for "rude jerkface."

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You should consider getting a puppy. Because no one else will love you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
People who are insulted by rude horoscopes are just pansies.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
We once had the eternal optimism of youth, too. Then we started working for the Nota Bene...

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
We know what you did on the third floor of Stuart. Ewww!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Hey, if this "law thing" doesn't work out, you could always become a professional poker player.